Every night at this time, I do one of three things. Eat, watch TV, and go online. Why? Because I am keeping my mind occupied as not to think of the day's stresses and keep myself awake. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I just binge eat and feel guilty about it and fight with myself the rest of the night not to purge, reminding myself that I need the food for more then just me now. Charlotte needs it because she is eating what I eat in a way. Darien needs it because he needs a strong healthy mother who is there for him now. And Rose... she needs me more then she will ever know.
Rose did not have a good day today. This is a prime example of my stresses. I had to carry her through snow that was up to my knees almost. Because she was having one of the many tantrums of the day. But they are always the most stressing during this time. She has to go to school and she has to get home. When I am walking with one or two of the kids, it's the worst. At least alone I have the option to carry her, even if it means I start getting short of breath and getting heart palpatations. Only today once we were home after school it started again and didn't stop until 2hrs after bedtime. We tried to take things away, we tried to ignore the bad behaviour, reward the good, even full out actively ignored her. It just kept escalating. I seriously think something more is wrong, something deeper. I know there is more to the visits with her mother then we know. Just not sure what. But I don't even mean that... I mean it's as though she's battling mental demons on top of this.
Darien is such a good kid, but when Rose is pissing him off now he fights back. He used to not do this, but Chris encouraged it, and now that he does, he gets in trouble. How's that for favoritism?
I honestly worry so much, and wonder so often, would it be better if I just went back to being a single mother? I did such a good job. I know I could do it again with 2, since Rose is obviously not going to stay with me, because she would need to go with Chris if she split. I did a great job as a single mother for Darien and until all this shit started with Rose... and when she is calm, I am calmer, and I see the difference in Darien. I should try to be more calm with him, I yell too much at him for no reason other then frustration towards Rose or just life in general. I think tomorrow that will be my goal. Not to yell at them at all. I made it until almost dinnertime today, and stopped when I saw how mad I was getting, that is when I started the active ingoring on Rose. Then she started body slamming the bathroom door when I was helping Darien was his hair, so I guess that did not work today as well as I thought it would.
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