I visited the Chamber of Commerse today. I found out I should hear back from one of the grants first week of April and should have the money if I am approved within days after. I looked online and found out the other grant will also be April, but it could take upto 30 days to receive my funds. Well that sucks! I hope I get the first one or there is no way I am getting my store open in time the GCDC.
I think I take my husband for granted. He is so amazing to me. I wish I could love him more in the ways he needs me to love him.
Thursday, 15 March 2012
Dear Goddess
Dear Great Goddess,
Thank you for allowing me some of my strength back, for allowing me to regain some of my inner peace and hope. Thank you for all that you have rewarded my family these passed few days. Thank you for getting us through these small, mounting struggles.
I ask you for continuance of finding myself, my peace, hope, compassion and patience. I ask you for fine weather and a well day tomorrow. I ask you allow us to go through with our plans and do something spectacular to create memories with our children, lots of sunshine and playtime, smiles and laughs.
Tomorrow I meet with my fellow circle members and I think it's needed I enjoy a night out and in good company. Please watch over my sisters of the circle and allow them the same.
Blessed Be
Thank you for allowing me some of my strength back, for allowing me to regain some of my inner peace and hope. Thank you for all that you have rewarded my family these passed few days. Thank you for getting us through these small, mounting struggles.
I ask you for continuance of finding myself, my peace, hope, compassion and patience. I ask you for fine weather and a well day tomorrow. I ask you allow us to go through with our plans and do something spectacular to create memories with our children, lots of sunshine and playtime, smiles and laughs.
Tomorrow I meet with my fellow circle members and I think it's needed I enjoy a night out and in good company. Please watch over my sisters of the circle and allow them the same.
Blessed Be
Tuesday, 13 March 2012
Night Prayer/letter to the Goddess
Dear Goddess
Grant me the patience to and calm to overcome the children tempers that lay ahead of me. Grant me sleep tonight to have the energy I need to give them full attention and effection. Grant me smiles to return their smiles and deep breaths to go with their sorrowing times. Guide me through the tantrums with love and respect so they shall see what this means. Allow me to receive light and positivity through out the day and to share this with my family. Allow me calm before the storm, and the strength to stop the storm from happening. Let the sun shine so we can engulf ourselves in the sunlight and all that comes with it and from it.
I feel like I have lost touch with my inner self. I say things I swore I would never say. I do things I swore I would neber do. I hve lost my inner calm, peace and respect.
Allow Rose to feel love and return it as best she possibley can, and allow her to receive it, from any and all sources. Allow her to feel safe and open and trusted, nd to return this. Allow Darien to feel safe and loved and healthy. Allow Charlotte all the same and to be pain free as much as is possible. But please most of all, allow good things for this family in the coming days. Allow us to have respect from others and return it. Allow love and peace to be in our home.
Blessed Be
Grant me the patience to and calm to overcome the children tempers that lay ahead of me. Grant me sleep tonight to have the energy I need to give them full attention and effection. Grant me smiles to return their smiles and deep breaths to go with their sorrowing times. Guide me through the tantrums with love and respect so they shall see what this means. Allow me to receive light and positivity through out the day and to share this with my family. Allow me calm before the storm, and the strength to stop the storm from happening. Let the sun shine so we can engulf ourselves in the sunlight and all that comes with it and from it.
I feel like I have lost touch with my inner self. I say things I swore I would never say. I do things I swore I would neber do. I hve lost my inner calm, peace and respect.
Allow Rose to feel love and return it as best she possibley can, and allow her to receive it, from any and all sources. Allow her to feel safe and open and trusted, nd to return this. Allow Darien to feel safe and loved and healthy. Allow Charlotte all the same and to be pain free as much as is possible. But please most of all, allow good things for this family in the coming days. Allow us to have respect from others and return it. Allow love and peace to be in our home.
Blessed Be
One Year Later...
It has been almost a year since I have posted anything and so much has changed. Rose has been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder. It explains alot about how she acts from day to day and why she does the things she does. She is doing well in school outside some disorder related things. She is currently seeing her mother overnight every other weekend. Her RAD is acting up intensely at home and I am still having problems dealing with it but now we're taking even more action - I got back into councelling for myself for one, we're meeting with another agency right now for both her and Darien and maybe starting another one just for her. Darien is now in school and doing so well in it, even the teachers are amazed at him. But he's still got issues, he's still got his hydrocele, he's been diagnosed with developmental delays (they're not severe though) and he is being accessed for mental conditions. His asthma has been under control for awhile until a couple weeks ago, he developed a severe infection in his sinuses that spread into his throat and his ear and is just finishing 10 days of antibiotics. Charlotte is growing faster then I can keep up with. She is 15 months but acts more like 2. She's talking, walking, eating, drinking, and has hit more milestones then she should by now. She flew passed the 18 month milestone chart over a month ago. I am still nursing, cloth diapering, baby wearing and co-sleeping with her as well. She is also getting over a sinus infection but momma milk fixed her up. I am now married to Chris, since August, and despite some issues we're having, we're working through them all and we have a strong, stable, happy enough marriage. I support him and he supports me in everything we do, even if we don't agree 100% on it. We went to court for Rose with her mother agian and despite it not really changing anything, I am now a legal party and legal guardian to Rose as well as the two of them, so it's a step in the right direction. We're likely going back soon though because Rose's mother is still threatening to take us for full custody despite her highly doubtful chance at it.
I have found a local wiccan/pegan circle and am now involved with them. I have made some amazing friends and we meet once a month and talk often online (they are out of town for the most part, I car pool to meetings). It has opened me up to start prayer again and see if it helps me with my issues at home and in life in general. I pla to strart written prayers here to help me focus my thoughts. So don't be amazed if you see them from now on. I also am starting my own natural parenting store. I have everything in order - a lease in hand, employee lined up, wholesale accounts for my products set up, a shopping list for material supplies waiting to hit pay... just waiting for government funding to either be denied or come through for approval so I know what my next step is. I am crossing my fingers and toes something comes through though. I need this. I WANT THIS.
I love my family and will do anything for them but I am determined this will be my year.
I have found a local wiccan/pegan circle and am now involved with them. I have made some amazing friends and we meet once a month and talk often online (they are out of town for the most part, I car pool to meetings). It has opened me up to start prayer again and see if it helps me with my issues at home and in life in general. I pla to strart written prayers here to help me focus my thoughts. So don't be amazed if you see them from now on. I also am starting my own natural parenting store. I have everything in order - a lease in hand, employee lined up, wholesale accounts for my products set up, a shopping list for material supplies waiting to hit pay... just waiting for government funding to either be denied or come through for approval so I know what my next step is. I am crossing my fingers and toes something comes through though. I need this. I WANT THIS.
I love my family and will do anything for them but I am determined this will be my year.
Monday, 21 March 2011
Not cut out for this anymore.
For being a step-mother, that is... and right now I am questioning my parenting. Rose's behaviour is taking a toll on me very much. I'm still sick with some gastro flu thing going around and I had to deal with her tantrum this morning, on the way home from school again, and now she's asking for her shoes... ones that were taken away because they were too small and she won't leave them alone.
And another thing is on my mind, that I feel so freaking ashamed of on one hand, and so pissed off at my mother, and questioning staff at this place...
Ok so my son who is 3 1/2 is going to school next year and the early years center here (basically a place for mothers and parents and children to go, they offer various free programs and educational tools) offers a once a month readiness program.
Well origionally, today would have been the day for this month. But a month ago they called and changed it. To next Monday. I had both times written in my book forgetting to mark off today. But I didn't realize this until he was returned. And a month ago is a long time when you deal with as much as I deal with, every day is a new challenge here.
So I was sick with whatever it was yesterday and am not back to myself, not feeling well at all but better a little today. So I arranged for my mother to take my son in to this program today thinking it was happening. I even called this morning to let the person know who runs it, my mother would be taking him, since normally it's me and I stay in the other play room or sometihng in the building since it's a half hour bus ride and it's pointless to leave. So my mother shows up and takes him and I think all is well and enjoy some relaxing time.
Well she brings him home on time, but that was when I found out what happened!
She tells me nothing is going on in the room I told her to take him, someone in the staff told her to go to another room, and she just leaves him there! So he was there for an hour and a half with a total stranger, another mother who just happened to be there with her child! And this mother, obviously not impressed, blasted my mother out.
So I find out when she brings him home. 1) I am pissed that no staff told her it was not happening, and that no one called me today. I called this morning, and ALL the regular staff know at this place who Darien is and who he is with normally, he has been going there almost every month since he was a baby for one program or another. They have all my contact information for when the program is running. Why did no one think to call? Did no one check the messages this morning? Did no one see my mother leave without him? 2) Why did my mother leave him there knowing nothing was happening? Why didn't she ask a staff member about it when she saw no one in the room? 3) I feel responcable just as much as I should have marked it off in my book, or noticed when I looked ahead a week it was there and questioned it more. I know it's only once a month. I would have known it was wrong and called about it and spoken to somoene. I should have called again this morning too, about my mother going, talked to someone instead of leaving a message. It would have been on my head if something happened to him today. Thank goodness he was home safe and sound, and even ate his snack I sent with him, and thank that mother for watching him, whomever she was, and not just leaving him off to play on his own the whole time.
So my question is, what would you do?
I am never trusting my mother to bring him to anything like that again, from now on I am going myself, staying there and picking him up myself, like I do any other and every other time. Or at least Chris. This is the second time something has been cancelled and we showed up anyways, only last time, it was a public play group and it was cancelled due to weather, but no one called at all. I just can't figure out why no one called me!
On top of that we got a 4th call about Rose from school concerning her lunch. She ate almost the entire thing at snack time. I sent a sandwich and 3 different types of fruit snacks (apple sauce, appricot halfs and a fruit bar). Well she ate all but the fruit bar at snack, or hid it or something, so she would get pizza at lunch time. We took pizza days away from her because she wasn't behaving and she does this! It's like I said, the 4th time this school year she's pulled this stunt. Plus she tells me she has her mitts in her backpack this morning when she does not. She was sent home with someone else's on again. So sick of the lies! And the tantrums! And making me out to be the bad parent here when I am the one who parents here more then anyone else.
I need a vacation, time away with just my OWN children, without Chris and Rose. But there is no way I could make it happen without putting us into financial crisis or something, or having a huge fight with Chris.
And another thing is on my mind, that I feel so freaking ashamed of on one hand, and so pissed off at my mother, and questioning staff at this place...
Ok so my son who is 3 1/2 is going to school next year and the early years center here (basically a place for mothers and parents and children to go, they offer various free programs and educational tools) offers a once a month readiness program.
Well origionally, today would have been the day for this month. But a month ago they called and changed it. To next Monday. I had both times written in my book forgetting to mark off today. But I didn't realize this until he was returned. And a month ago is a long time when you deal with as much as I deal with, every day is a new challenge here.
So I was sick with whatever it was yesterday and am not back to myself, not feeling well at all but better a little today. So I arranged for my mother to take my son in to this program today thinking it was happening. I even called this morning to let the person know who runs it, my mother would be taking him, since normally it's me and I stay in the other play room or sometihng in the building since it's a half hour bus ride and it's pointless to leave. So my mother shows up and takes him and I think all is well and enjoy some relaxing time.
Well she brings him home on time, but that was when I found out what happened!
She tells me nothing is going on in the room I told her to take him, someone in the staff told her to go to another room, and she just leaves him there! So he was there for an hour and a half with a total stranger, another mother who just happened to be there with her child! And this mother, obviously not impressed, blasted my mother out.
So I find out when she brings him home. 1) I am pissed that no staff told her it was not happening, and that no one called me today. I called this morning, and ALL the regular staff know at this place who Darien is and who he is with normally, he has been going there almost every month since he was a baby for one program or another. They have all my contact information for when the program is running. Why did no one think to call? Did no one check the messages this morning? Did no one see my mother leave without him? 2) Why did my mother leave him there knowing nothing was happening? Why didn't she ask a staff member about it when she saw no one in the room? 3) I feel responcable just as much as I should have marked it off in my book, or noticed when I looked ahead a week it was there and questioned it more. I know it's only once a month. I would have known it was wrong and called about it and spoken to somoene. I should have called again this morning too, about my mother going, talked to someone instead of leaving a message. It would have been on my head if something happened to him today. Thank goodness he was home safe and sound, and even ate his snack I sent with him, and thank that mother for watching him, whomever she was, and not just leaving him off to play on his own the whole time.
So my question is, what would you do?
I am never trusting my mother to bring him to anything like that again, from now on I am going myself, staying there and picking him up myself, like I do any other and every other time. Or at least Chris. This is the second time something has been cancelled and we showed up anyways, only last time, it was a public play group and it was cancelled due to weather, but no one called at all. I just can't figure out why no one called me!
On top of that we got a 4th call about Rose from school concerning her lunch. She ate almost the entire thing at snack time. I sent a sandwich and 3 different types of fruit snacks (apple sauce, appricot halfs and a fruit bar). Well she ate all but the fruit bar at snack, or hid it or something, so she would get pizza at lunch time. We took pizza days away from her because she wasn't behaving and she does this! It's like I said, the 4th time this school year she's pulled this stunt. Plus she tells me she has her mitts in her backpack this morning when she does not. She was sent home with someone else's on again. So sick of the lies! And the tantrums! And making me out to be the bad parent here when I am the one who parents here more then anyone else.
I need a vacation, time away with just my OWN children, without Chris and Rose. But there is no way I could make it happen without putting us into financial crisis or something, or having a huge fight with Chris.
Thursday, 17 March 2011
Something must have stuck.
I had alot of words on Monday with Rose and I guess something must have stuck. Tuesday she was so much better behaved. Yesterday she was good all day with the babysitter. So far today she is behaving decent enough. And I am hoping the rest of the day is the same, and tomorrow she is going to gymnastics day camp with the babysitter's daughter, so hopefully she is on her best behaviour.
It's St. Patty's Day. I have no green clean outside a green and white tank top, lol. So I am wearing that. Charlotte is in her light green pants and a onesie with green trim and decor. Rose only owns one green clothing item and it's dirty as she wore it yesterday, but whatever, she's a little girl, lol, who cares. We're not going out today, but an old roommate of mine may come over to visit and catch up.
On another note, I am not happy with Chris at the moment and I think I need to sit down with him tonight or tomorrow and chat. He is saying things that are making me question if we're going to work as a married couple. Like that I baby Darien and I don't see it and making me seem like a horrible parent for it, comparing him to Rose, who's seriously damaged and I am the only one trying to fix it. He needs to realize how serious and personal these comments are.
It's St. Patty's Day. I have no green clean outside a green and white tank top, lol. So I am wearing that. Charlotte is in her light green pants and a onesie with green trim and decor. Rose only owns one green clothing item and it's dirty as she wore it yesterday, but whatever, she's a little girl, lol, who cares. We're not going out today, but an old roommate of mine may come over to visit and catch up.
On another note, I am not happy with Chris at the moment and I think I need to sit down with him tonight or tomorrow and chat. He is saying things that are making me question if we're going to work as a married couple. Like that I baby Darien and I don't see it and making me seem like a horrible parent for it, comparing him to Rose, who's seriously damaged and I am the only one trying to fix it. He needs to realize how serious and personal these comments are.
Wednesday, 16 March 2011
Fuck You Dr. Dimwitt Bitch.
So some of you might know this story and if so please skip down to today's problem. For those of you who do not know the whole story, read on.
My son is 3 and a half year old. He's got asthma, weak lower bowel muscles (had difficulty pushing stool out at times and get constipated quite easily), is a small llittle guy (27lbs, been this weight for at least a year, maybe more) and is the sweetest kid you will ever meet (unless he tired, lol).
When Charlotte was 6 weeks old (she is 14 weeks old tomorrow), I noticed Darien had dropped (testicles into scrotom) and when this happened, he developed a large, bluish egg-like mass in his scrotum. I took him in with Charlotte to the 6 week well-check and he was examined as well as her. We were sent from the pediatrician's office directly to a urologist, with a speech of what the pedi thinks this was, twisted vas deferns (the string like thing that supplies blood to the testicles), and if this was it, he required immidiate sugery. Awesome! So off to the urologist we went, to hear this was one of two possibilities, and we went to an ultrasound (what was kind of like doing a circle, the pedi's office is beside the hospital where they did it, the urologist is up the street the opposite way) and had him examined. This whole time, I am not aloud to feed my child, offer him anything to drink, etc. as if he needs surgery he has to have stomach clear for 6 hours before. Awesome, again. So we get the results after 3 hours waiting (yes, 3 hours with a 3 year old and 6 week old... at least the then 4 year old was at Grandma's with Dad) and then go back to the urologist. He looks and says it's a cyst and should go away on it's own and wants u sback in 3 months. I'm thinking, phew!
A few days later this thing is causing him to not be able to release stool as it hurts too much, poor kid gives himself a ficsher pushing, and back to the hospital we go, ER this time as before this, I don't know why my baby boy is bleeding from the bottom. Thankfully nothing serious!
So 2 or 3 weeks go by and not only is this thing not going away, it's now larger and causing pain. I call again, we go back to the urologist again, and he orders another ultrasound. We wait 2-3 more weeks. Now the radiologist says this is a hernia! Um, ok... now what? We go back to the urologist again about a week later. He says he does not deal with this and we have to go to CHEO. (Children's hospital.) He says it requires surgery but not the kind he does. And, while there, realizes he does not like the progress the peale build-up of smegma is coming out (from him not letting us tough his penis for so long as it hurts), and removed it... by RETRACTING HIS FORESKIN forcefully! My kid screamed bloody murder and turned blue in the face from it. HATED that, I cried watching him. He bawled everytime he peed for the next two days.
So we wait ANOTHER 3 weeks and during this time, he's getting worse, having nights it hurts to pee, having nights he can't stop peeing, some nights he can`t sleep from being in pain, some days he can`t play from the pain, heck he even sat out on his sister`s 5th birthday party games because of it and didn`t eat her cake! Now tell me that`s not serious! I also had my doctor take a look and he says it looks more like both a hernia and cyst overlapping. He also sent a refferal to surgury.
So fast forward to today. We make the almost two hour drive to CHEO and first is his hearing test (routine due to speech therapy and some issues we`ve had) and is within normal range. Ok, cool, next appointment after lunch. So we go in and we see a med student. We tell him the whole story, he examines him, rights down some stuff and gets the surgen. Well this lady is maybe 50 and thinks she know it all. Hardly has anything to say to me, she`s more teaching this med student then talking to us. And talks all medical to us when she does. Basically says he does not need surgery, this will go away on it`s own but could take a year and THEN if it does not, they will operate! Seriously! Oh, and according her her, he is not in pain, he`s just trying to get attention! COME ON!
AND THEN! On the way home, DF and I are talking about it. And... he AGREES with the surgen! After 3 doctors telling me he needed surgery and two of them reffering him to a surgen, then this dimwit says make him suffer, he agreed with the dimwitt! GRRR!I was so pissed! I mean don`t get me wrong, I LOVE that he might not need this surgery but they didn`t do anything to help us! They even told me to stop the Tylenol for pain because he shouldn`t be having any! Seriously I am irate at that bitch.
I cannot wait to see the look on her face when we`re in her ER in a month and my kid`s crying out in pain. I hope and pray it is gone and this is not what happens. But if it is...
My son is 3 and a half year old. He's got asthma, weak lower bowel muscles (had difficulty pushing stool out at times and get constipated quite easily), is a small llittle guy (27lbs, been this weight for at least a year, maybe more) and is the sweetest kid you will ever meet (unless he tired, lol).
When Charlotte was 6 weeks old (she is 14 weeks old tomorrow), I noticed Darien had dropped (testicles into scrotom) and when this happened, he developed a large, bluish egg-like mass in his scrotum. I took him in with Charlotte to the 6 week well-check and he was examined as well as her. We were sent from the pediatrician's office directly to a urologist, with a speech of what the pedi thinks this was, twisted vas deferns (the string like thing that supplies blood to the testicles), and if this was it, he required immidiate sugery. Awesome! So off to the urologist we went, to hear this was one of two possibilities, and we went to an ultrasound (what was kind of like doing a circle, the pedi's office is beside the hospital where they did it, the urologist is up the street the opposite way) and had him examined. This whole time, I am not aloud to feed my child, offer him anything to drink, etc. as if he needs surgery he has to have stomach clear for 6 hours before. Awesome, again. So we get the results after 3 hours waiting (yes, 3 hours with a 3 year old and 6 week old... at least the then 4 year old was at Grandma's with Dad) and then go back to the urologist. He looks and says it's a cyst and should go away on it's own and wants u sback in 3 months. I'm thinking, phew!
A few days later this thing is causing him to not be able to release stool as it hurts too much, poor kid gives himself a ficsher pushing, and back to the hospital we go, ER this time as before this, I don't know why my baby boy is bleeding from the bottom. Thankfully nothing serious!
So 2 or 3 weeks go by and not only is this thing not going away, it's now larger and causing pain. I call again, we go back to the urologist again, and he orders another ultrasound. We wait 2-3 more weeks. Now the radiologist says this is a hernia! Um, ok... now what? We go back to the urologist again about a week later. He says he does not deal with this and we have to go to CHEO. (Children's hospital.) He says it requires surgery but not the kind he does. And, while there, realizes he does not like the progress the peale build-up of smegma is coming out (from him not letting us tough his penis for so long as it hurts), and removed it... by RETRACTING HIS FORESKIN forcefully! My kid screamed bloody murder and turned blue in the face from it. HATED that, I cried watching him. He bawled everytime he peed for the next two days.
So we wait ANOTHER 3 weeks and during this time, he's getting worse, having nights it hurts to pee, having nights he can't stop peeing, some nights he can`t sleep from being in pain, some days he can`t play from the pain, heck he even sat out on his sister`s 5th birthday party games because of it and didn`t eat her cake! Now tell me that`s not serious! I also had my doctor take a look and he says it looks more like both a hernia and cyst overlapping. He also sent a refferal to surgury.
So fast forward to today. We make the almost two hour drive to CHEO and first is his hearing test (routine due to speech therapy and some issues we`ve had) and is within normal range. Ok, cool, next appointment after lunch. So we go in and we see a med student. We tell him the whole story, he examines him, rights down some stuff and gets the surgen. Well this lady is maybe 50 and thinks she know it all. Hardly has anything to say to me, she`s more teaching this med student then talking to us. And talks all medical to us when she does. Basically says he does not need surgery, this will go away on it`s own but could take a year and THEN if it does not, they will operate! Seriously! Oh, and according her her, he is not in pain, he`s just trying to get attention! COME ON!
AND THEN! On the way home, DF and I are talking about it. And... he AGREES with the surgen! After 3 doctors telling me he needed surgery and two of them reffering him to a surgen, then this dimwit says make him suffer, he agreed with the dimwitt! GRRR!I was so pissed! I mean don`t get me wrong, I LOVE that he might not need this surgery but they didn`t do anything to help us! They even told me to stop the Tylenol for pain because he shouldn`t be having any! Seriously I am irate at that bitch.
I cannot wait to see the look on her face when we`re in her ER in a month and my kid`s crying out in pain. I hope and pray it is gone and this is not what happens. But if it is...
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