Prayer for her.

Devine Goddess,

Please, for the sake of the innocent children in her life whom love her and her child here as well as in the summerland, help Anne heal and make her life anew. Allow her to fill herself with positive light. Allow white energy to flow over her.

Thank you for my children, they're health, happiness and love. Thank you for the ability for me to spend so much time with them and for the moments when it is at though there is nothing but me and my family.

Thank you for my sisters, for bringing me to this new circle and allowing me to befriend such like minded individuals. With them I feel where I belong, as though nothing I could say would be judged, where I gain knowledge with each meet. Allow me this sense of belonging for our ritual.

I ask you again, as I cannot think of much else, please help Laurier, Anne and all of us effected find the strength, the positive light in this. Allow her heart to be at peace and mend.

So many night I was at peace in my sleep with just trivial dreams but I fear for her from the ones I have had these last few days, I fear for her family.

As if harm none, so mote it be.

Blessed be.

Goddess, I ask for your devine intervetion.

My poor Charlotte is just miserable. She keeps getting sicker. All I want is for her health. Her happiness. Her well-being. For it to be restored. Guide me to the right direction to help her. Fast. I fear for her. She is so young, so small. I thank you for giving us her, this precious gift, but she is so sad, and so sick. I feel there is something more. Please help us find a cure, something natural, something that works and does not make her worse. Thank you for the health of my older children, myself as much as it is, and my husband. Help us all through this.

Pediatrician fail.

They failed Charlotte that is.

2 1/2 weeks of fevers, 2 weeks of not eating or drinking (nursing only) and discolored urine for almost a week at random and they finally call and say she's got a UTI today and needs antibiotics. I told them something was wrong. Why did they not rush the results of her urinalasys after the first week? Total dissapointment in them. Amber ancklet helped her appitite so maybe the combo is what made her so utterly miserable. teething and a UTI. My poor little love.

Now if only we would get more help for Rose's disorder, figure out what is wrong with Darien and get help for him and I could alter my brain waves to figure out how to reconnect with my family as well as I have in the passed, especially my husband. I feel miles away from him these days... it's effecting how we are as a couple, how we parent and how we present ourselves.

Help her, Goddess

Thank you for these glorious first days of spring. The sunshine, the amazing tempratures, even our older children are enjoying it. Thank you for their health, for their improvements, their happiness. Thank you for the gift of knowledge and for allowing me to share it, for allowing me to gain it and allowing others to receive and share it as well. Thank you for leading us to help for our lives, to enrich our lives.

Please, please, help us with our baby girl. Help us find out what is wrong with her tiny body. Help us find the source of her fevers, why she will not eat, why she is suddenly so different in demenor and temperment, what is causing her so much pain? I miss my happy, go-luck baby, I miss her constant giggles. We saw a glimpse of her today. Between the constant nursing and fussing, the refusal to eat at dinner... and she finally didn't cry at bathtime, that's so good, she loves her baths. Please let this be a sign of things to come.

Bring on summer!

Today I saw a whole new side of family life. A good side. A wonderful side. My children listened better then they have in months, enjoyed themselves, were happy go-lucky children that they are suppose to be. There was structure in the day, there was a set expectation, there was routine, there was activity, and there was give-and-take. There was sunshine, there was fresh air, and there was healthy choices. And the results, especially in Rose, were amazing. It was not perfect. Rose had a few minor tantrums and it took her a long time to go to sleep at bedtime. And she fell the last time we went to the park and got covered in mud. But instead of freaking out about it, I let it go, since we were leaving to go back home, and she was going to have her bath. Darien had a couple crying fits. But nothing that was not too resolvable with just ignoring it. Charlotte had an amazing day. She is so smart, she is already more co-ordinated and fearless too. And she made a new little friend today. It was so cute seeing her with a little girl about her age, she was a couple months older but smaller, and about the same level. They were doing the same things, lol.

I just wish I could end the day with going to bed with my husband, having a nice chat alone with him, snuggling and showing him effection. But we're so off in our own minds. I can tell the job-hunt is making him start to feel less of a man again, depressed maybe even. I am crossing my fingers one of the jobs calls tomorrow and says they would like to hire him or the one we're suppose to go to in Ottawa on Tuesday does. He needs this. We all need this. As much as at times I enjoy him being home. I also need my time away from him. And I know I'll be working non-stop in a month or hopefully earlier but even if he can get a job from now until say June... until mine is really up and running... he needs this, really, now.

Night Prayer to the Goddess

Goddess,

I thank you for the blessings plenty I received today. The wonderful sun and warmth. For allowing me to enjoy it with my family. Oh how we enjoyed it. I have never seen such joy in their faces, last so long as today's. It was amazing, truely how I wish for us to be every single day. The fresh air seems to do wonders with my family, with my children especially. The sunlight and the breeze and the wonderful air. Thank you for all the wonderful things you gave us today. Please allow us this joy tomorrow. Allow Darien to have a healthy appointment. Allow Rose to enjoy herself and not have inner turmoil. Allow Charlotte to have a day of security, happiness and be painless. Allow Chris to get a call saying he got one of the jobs he got, that he enjoys it, that he stays at it long and does well.

Blessed Be

Circle

Our circle met tonight and though it has only been the second time, I feel soo connected to most of them already. It is amazing what a spiritual connection brings forth. We're all of different backgrounds and ages but share this one religious connection and have become friends, some even close enough to be family to each other. Like we have been looking for eachother our whole lives yet have been right there in front of each other. It's something I cannot say for most of my day to day friends. There are the few I am this close to who have been part of my life forever and a day. But most have come and gone.  I feel like this group of women are the forever and a day kind.

Thank you my lovely Goddess, for bringing us together, here and now in this time in our lives.

I seriously think there is something making us sick in this house. I was fine the whole time I was out. I am back 10 minutes and cannot use one nostril. I had to crack my window when I got in the bedroom. My  throat is scratchy even so. Maybe I'm just allergic to this city. I have never been so sick with allergies and colds as I have been living here.

Speaking of, Darien's asthma was triggered big time by the throat infection he just got over as he has been coughing since. Back on flo-vent we go.

Foot notes.

I visited the Chamber of Commerse today. I found out I should hear back from one of the grants first week of April and should have the money if I am approved within days after. I looked online and found out the other grant will also be April, but it could take upto 30 days to receive my funds. Well that sucks! I hope I get the first one or there is no way I am getting my store open in time the GCDC.

I think I take my husband for granted. He is so amazing to me. I wish I could love him more in the ways he needs me to love him.

Dear Goddess

Dear Great Goddess,

Thank you for allowing me some of my strength back, for allowing me to regain some of my inner peace and hope. Thank you for all that you have rewarded my family these passed few days. Thank you for getting us through these small, mounting struggles.

I ask you for continuance of finding myself, my peace, hope, compassion and patience. I ask you for fine weather and a well day tomorrow. I ask you allow us to go through with our plans and do something spectacular to create memories with our children, lots of sunshine and playtime, smiles and laughs.

Tomorrow I meet with my fellow circle members and I think it's needed I enjoy a night out and in good company. Please watch over my sisters of the circle and allow them the same.

Blessed Be

Night Prayer/letter to the Goddess

Dear Goddess

Grant me the patience to and calm to overcome the children tempers that lay ahead of me. Grant me sleep tonight to have the energy I need to give them full attention and effection. Grant me smiles to return their smiles and deep breaths to go with their sorrowing times. Guide me through the tantrums with love and respect so they shall see what this means. Allow me to receive light and positivity through out the day and to share this with my family. Allow me calm before the storm, and the strength to stop the storm from happening. Let the sun shine so we can engulf ourselves in the sunlight and all that comes with it and from it.

I feel like I have lost touch with my inner self. I say things I swore I would never say. I do things I swore I would neber do. I hve lost my inner calm, peace and respect.

Allow Rose to feel love and return it as best she possibley can, and allow her to receive it, from any and all sources. Allow her to feel safe and open and trusted, nd to return this. Allow Darien to feel safe and loved and healthy. Allow Charlotte all the same and to be pain free as much as is possible. But please most of all, allow good things for this family in the coming days. Allow us to have respect from others and return it. Allow love and peace to be in our home.

Blessed Be

One Year Later...

It has been almost a year since I have posted anything and so much has changed. Rose has been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder. It explains alot about how she acts from day to day and why she does the things she does. She is doing well in school outside some disorder related things. She is currently seeing her mother overnight every other weekend. Her RAD is acting up intensely at home and I am still having problems dealing with it but now we're taking even more action - I got back into councelling for myself for one, we're meeting with another agency right now for both her and Darien and maybe starting another one just for her. Darien is now in school and doing so well in it, even the teachers are amazed at him. But he's still got issues, he's still got his hydrocele, he's been diagnosed with developmental delays (they're not severe though) and he is being accessed for mental conditions. His asthma has been under control for awhile until a couple weeks ago, he developed a severe infection in his sinuses that spread into his throat and his ear and is just finishing 10 days of antibiotics. Charlotte is growing faster then I can keep up with. She is 15 months but acts more like 2. She's talking, walking, eating, drinking, and has hit more milestones then she should by now. She flew passed the 18 month milestone chart over a month ago. I am still nursing, cloth diapering, baby wearing and co-sleeping with her as well. She is also getting over a sinus infection but momma milk fixed her up. I am now married to Chris, since August, and despite some issues we're having, we're working through them all and we have a strong, stable, happy enough marriage. I support him and he supports me in everything we do, even if we don't agree 100% on it. We went to court for Rose with her mother agian and despite it not really changing anything, I am now a legal party and legal guardian to Rose as well as the two of them, so it's a step in the right direction. We're likely going back soon though because Rose's mother is still threatening to take us for full custody despite her highly doubtful chance at it.

I have found a local wiccan/pegan circle and am now involved with them. I have made some amazing friends and we meet once a month and talk often online (they are out of town for the most part, I car pool to meetings). It has opened me up to start prayer again and see if it helps me with my issues at home and in life in general. I pla to strart written prayers here to help me focus my thoughts. So don't be amazed if you see them from now on. I also am starting my own natural parenting store. I have everything in order - a lease in hand, employee lined up, wholesale accounts for my products set up, a shopping list for material supplies waiting to hit pay... just waiting for government funding to either be denied or come through for approval so I know what my next step is. I am crossing my fingers and toes something comes through though. I need this. I WANT THIS.

I love my family and will do anything for them but I am determined this will be my year.